Friday, December 5, 2014

did they see me?

i don't know why it's so hard,
to just walk by it.
it doesn't have power over me.
i'm stronger than i think i am.
but just one bite,
that couldn't hurt, right?
i mean, one bite won't kill me.
one bite isn't going to derail me.
one bite is fine.
just one.
i wonder if anyone will notice.
can i take another?
no no, you shouldn't.
it's not okay.
it's fine,
*blackout*

binge eating.
it's a serious mental illness.  don't let anyone else tell you different.  feeling as if you have no control, like you can't be in a public setting, because what if?

what if you can't stop yourself?
what if you have a blackout episode?
what if other people will see what you do?

hiding my addiction was a big part of my binge eating.  it mostly came in the form of fast food paper bags; hidden underneath my car seats, underneath garbage already in the trash can, or thrown out in a random garbage can before anyone else could see it.

or hiding my eating in general.  grabbing something to eat, and taking it to another room so i could devour it.  i had to hide, because if someone saw me eating, they would judge me.  i would judge me.

eating two, three dinners, before going to bed.  i needed the feeling of "full" before i went to sleep,

the only thing that wasn't full, was my soul.
food filled the void.

i won't say that i'm cured, that is for damn sure.  i still have a lot of control issues, in all aspects of my life.  i still find it hard to stop eating the vegetables off the tray at a party.  i know what you're thinking, "it's just vegetables!"  but it still matters when you physically can't make yourself stop.  there is something in my head that makes me believe that i don't have control over my own body, to stop eating when i'm full, and not to the point of pain.  i'm still trying to figure this out.  i still have a little bit of anxiety over company gatherings/social functions with friends/family parties.  i have to mentally prepare myself to be strong.

strong enough to know when to say no.
strong enough to realize that i don't need that extra piece of cake.
strong enough to want to be better.

i'm sorry if this blog post didn't make much sense, or didn't give you a resolution to something that you may deal with yourself.

but it does let you know, whoever you are, that you're not alone.
and that's what we all want, right?
connection.
to know that we're not alone?

because you're not.

i'm here, and i feel what you feel.

11 comments:

  1. You're so honest! I love that. Thank You.

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  2. THANK YOU - I struggle with this daily and it is always so reassuring to know that I'm not alone.

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  3. Ugh...you get me. You really get me. I hate this. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Thanks for sharing - I totally get it!

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  5. It feels like you know me!! I struggle so much with this. And have extreme anxiety over an office Christmas party this weekend. Thank you so much for being honest so that I could see that I'm not the only one with this type of craziness going on.

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  6. There are many of us who feel this and feel so alone. Like no one gets it. Its not only embarrassing but leaves us feeling so ashamed. Thank you for being such an amazing role model and reminding us we aren't alone. I think you're amazing!❤❤

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  7. I have been following you on FB and just joined your diet bet tonight. First time to read your blog. You are just frigging awesome and such a fitsperation! Thanks so much.

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