i don't know why it's so hard,
to just walk by it.
it doesn't have power over me.
i'm stronger than i think i am.
but just one bite,
that couldn't hurt, right?
i mean, one bite won't kill me.
one bite isn't going to derail me.
one bite is fine.
i wonder if anyone will notice.
can i take another?
no no, you shouldn't.
it's not okay.
it's a serious mental illness. don't let anyone else tell you different. feeling as if you have no control, like you can't be in a public setting, because what if?
what if you can't stop yourself?
what if you have a blackout episode?
what if other people will see what you do?
hiding my addiction was a big part of my binge eating. it mostly came in the form of fast food paper bags; hidden underneath my car seats, underneath garbage already in the trash can, or thrown out in a random garbage can before anyone else could see it.
or hiding my eating in general. grabbing something to eat, and taking it to another room so i could devour it. i had to hide, because if someone saw me eating, they would judge me. i would judge me.
eating two, three dinners, before going to bed. i needed the feeling of "full" before i went to sleep,
the only thing that wasn't full, was my soul.
food filled the void.
i won't say that i'm cured, that is for damn sure. i still have a lot of control issues, in all aspects of my life. i still find it hard to stop eating the vegetables off the tray at a party. i know what you're thinking, "it's just vegetables!" but it still matters when you physically can't make yourself stop. there is something in my head that makes me believe that i don't have control over my own body, to stop eating when i'm full, and not to the point of pain. i'm still trying to figure this out. i still have a little bit of anxiety over company gatherings/social functions with friends/family parties. i have to mentally prepare myself to be strong.
strong enough to know when to say no.
strong enough to realize that i don't need that extra piece of cake.
strong enough to want to be better.
i'm sorry if this blog post didn't make much sense, or didn't give you a resolution to something that you may deal with yourself.
but it does let you know, whoever you are, that you're not alone.
and that's what we all want, right?
to know that we're not alone?
because you're not.
i'm here, and i feel what you feel.