Tuesday, September 23, 2014

i'm no super hero.

one of the most asked questions i get (besides what my wrist watch thingy is. which is a polar ft40. google it. :) ) is how do i stay motivated? how do you get the will power? how do you keep going?

well for me, it's simple. 
i don't ever want to be this girl again.
july 2007

now now now, don't get me wrong. this girl above still knew how to smile. she laughed a lot and had (still has) an amazing family and fabulous group of friends.   but she held herself back from so many opportunities to live her life to the fullest because of her weight.

i've lost a couple family members due to complications with obesity.  diabetes is in my family, cancer is in my family.  my father alone has had more heart attacks than anyone probably should, along with a triple bypass surgery.  i don't want to be another statistic.

i want to live.  

i want a future. i want to grow up. i want to be the person that i've always wanted to be.  i want to be happy.  i want to get married.  i want to make babies.  i want to watch my babies grow up, and watch them make their own babies.  

i know what it's like to be depressed, to feel like there's no way out of where you are.  i know how much it hurts when you feel like you can't do what you see others doing.  i know the struggle it is to keep up with your friends when they're walking down the street.  i know how hard it is to hurt after going up a flight of stairs.  i know how food can make you feel better, even for a moment.  that bite that makes all of that pain go away.  i shoved it in there too, sometimes mindlessly, and sometimes fully aware of what i was doing.  shoving 2 McChicken's with cheese and a large fry down my throat at 2 am was my choice, and i liked it.  because for some odd reason, it made all the other pain go away.

i also know, that you have every ounce of courage in you, that i do in me.
we are made up of the same parts.  we both have a heart, and a brain, and red blood pumping through our veins. we are ALL capable of living the life that we truly want to.

the real question isn't how do i keep my motivation, the question is, how bad do i want to LIVE my life, instead of simply existing?

bad, real bad.

i got to a point where enough was enough.  i was tired, and sick, and depressed, and i knew that if i wanted to make it to 30, i needed to make a change.  seeing my bmi (body mass index) at nearly 50% at the age of 24 is what truly kicked my ass in gear.  and yes, my weight loss has stalled the last year and a half, but i will never return to what i was before.  

when you've hit a place where enough is enough, that's where the motivation comes from.
and it's not going to be easy.
it's going to be REALLY FUCKING HARD.
you're going to have to choose to love yourself every. single. day.
you're going to have to be around people that don't necessarily understand your journey.
you're going to have people tell you "you've worked so hard, you deserve that piece of cake".
you're going to lose faith in yourself.
you're going to hit goals.
you're going to feel strong.
you're going to choose vegetables over donuts.
you're going to win the battle against yourself.

my motivation is my future.  my motivation is keeping strong.  my motivation is to never be in the place that i was in before.

that is truly it.
find yours, and hold onto it dearly <3


  1. Love, love, love you, you're one tough girlie! Your posts always resonate with me; us girls are so good at beating ourselves up, whether that's with food, drink, unhealthy relationships or whatever. It's time we all realised that we are worth it... xx

  2. Love this!! After reading your fb post yesterday I immediately emailed Steve and signed up for the same program you are doing. I had to be brutally honest with myself that what I'm doing on my own is not working and I needed to ask for help. I took my before pics today and cried - it was needed to release the old me! Thank so much for being such an inspiration. #operationloveyourself all the way!

    1. that's so awesome! make sure to let him know i sent you! <3

  3. Hi! I just found your story on the weigh we were, and I'm really inspired. Our stories are very similar. On November 21st I will turn 25. On September 1st I set the goal of losing 25 pounds by 25. I need to really lose about 60 pounds. I also live in the Chicagoland area. Thanks for being so open about your journey. I love your blog.